Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
