Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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