well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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