on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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