Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.