Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
