I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
