If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
