On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
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