just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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