apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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