dude i'm inner monologue high
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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