I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
