I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
