i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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