McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
