You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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