K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
