Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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