He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
