This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
