she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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