Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
