plz talk dirty to me
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
