Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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