One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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