I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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