I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
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I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
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I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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