I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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