when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
