I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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