rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I am mentally ready for anal.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
