We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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