this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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