Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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