My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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