I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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