Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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