So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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