I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
