I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
