I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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