1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
