Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
