New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
