the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
