This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
this hospital has no fireball
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
