i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
