We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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