I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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