Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"