my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
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I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
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It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder