Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.