I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
