omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
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Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day