I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
