the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
