dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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