i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
