So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
