Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
