The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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