Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
