Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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